Secret House Wish

Thursday 15th July

Big Sister asks for water to play in the bathroom sink. I organise it and she writhes on the floor in a screaming tantrum because she actually wants to play with water in a bucket on the back deck. She asks me to take her for a wee, I ask can she do it herself as I’m eating my lunch? (I’m starving and shaky, I might be having a ‘sugar crash’.) Big sister throws a tantrum again and wees on the floor. I calmly deal with this, clean and change her, and now she wants to sit on her toy box. I move the toy box away from the wee puddle and secure the lid so that it’s ready to sit on. A third tantrum ensues because there is something about this arrangement that she doesn’t like. I lose my rag and scream at her. I begin to seriously consider The Doctor’s offer of looking after the kids – he would love to do it, and I could go out to work.

Changing a nappy in the bedroom I hear the wind blow something off the roof, and I watch from the window as a blue plastic water container floats off down the river. I put the baby in a safe place and put my eldest daughter in front of the computer, watching a film. I run down the towpath with a broom to retrieve the container, then check on the children by peering in the window. The boat is moored at an extremely jaunty angle (forty-five degrees) and swaying in the wind, thudding against the concrete towpath, doing the hull no good at all. So, the ropes need tightening. Struggling against the wind and awkwardly placed bollards this is like re-mooring up on a very windy day and takes me the entire duration of the Baby Einstein DVD. One to add to the list of odd jobs that boat-mums do that house-mums don’t. In a wider sense, it’s all part of my eternal rhetorical question – would I secretly rather live in a house?

I had a lot of negative ‘glass half empty’ thoughts today, but I am very tired. I must remember that lack of sleep is a cause of depression in itself. Maybe my brain just goes into anxiety circles because it’s not functioning on full power. The fact is, I am tired, but things are good. That’s how it is.